Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Lost is what I am, adrift in the sea of loneliness, and suffering. While I am surrounded with many, here I sit in a vacuum of suffering. Alone,needing, wanting, and waiting. A touch, A kiss, anything. I have lost it all; I don;t know how to gain it back. Am I sentenced to live out this life in this manner? It seems so.
Monday, March 2, 2009
healing.
AS a teen I was made fun of repeatedly over a period of 3 years. Constantly I was bullied in class, made fun of, told that I was of nowrth. Eventually, I began to believe the lies that were spread about me. I ran from others, refused to participate, and often would lock myself in my own make believe world where all was rose colored, and no one could hurt me. My parents were unaware of my feelings, therefore were no help, as midle school turned over to high school, I became more popular, and eventually gained a small clique of friends.
High School wasn't so bad. I was still under my parents roof, and lived by their rules, or else there was much trouble to be found, and I didnt need it.
Where the damage began to show itself was in college. I began to philander around with any girl that would pay attention to me. Often, I had more than one at a time, and they didnt know about one another. I was good. Too good. The problem is that I spent all the time and energy keeping the girls apart from one another, and spent NO time studying. As you would expect, my grades suffered, and after years of poor grades, I dropped out. I have never been back. I did finish a trade school years later.
It was in the dark years of failure that my past came back to haunt me. I continued to look for women and when they werent available, I began to eat to fill the gapeing hole in my sole. As you can expect, relationships were usually short, and one sided. After years of overeating, I had gained over 200 pounds to a svelt 395 before I was able to heal to the point that I could do something about it.
To this day, I catch myself beating myself up from time to time. I have begun to heal though, I have been in a good relationship for over 15 years, and i have recently begun the journey to loose the weight.
How you ask? Simple I tell you. I have found love. I have found hope. I have found Joy. God. As crazy as it will sound to an atheist, God's healing grace, as finally released me from the hurt, and disappointment of those early years. I am now functioning more healtily, and when I find myself tearing myself down,he is there to comfort me, and to remind me that I am special, and that I have been created as a unique individual to heed his calling to serve HIM. I am reminded that no matter who this world tears at my sole, that HIS grace is sufficient. That HIS grace can act as a bandage to allow me to heal.
Praise Him.
High School wasn't so bad. I was still under my parents roof, and lived by their rules, or else there was much trouble to be found, and I didnt need it.
Where the damage began to show itself was in college. I began to philander around with any girl that would pay attention to me. Often, I had more than one at a time, and they didnt know about one another. I was good. Too good. The problem is that I spent all the time and energy keeping the girls apart from one another, and spent NO time studying. As you would expect, my grades suffered, and after years of poor grades, I dropped out. I have never been back. I did finish a trade school years later.
It was in the dark years of failure that my past came back to haunt me. I continued to look for women and when they werent available, I began to eat to fill the gapeing hole in my sole. As you can expect, relationships were usually short, and one sided. After years of overeating, I had gained over 200 pounds to a svelt 395 before I was able to heal to the point that I could do something about it.
To this day, I catch myself beating myself up from time to time. I have begun to heal though, I have been in a good relationship for over 15 years, and i have recently begun the journey to loose the weight.
How you ask? Simple I tell you. I have found love. I have found hope. I have found Joy. God. As crazy as it will sound to an atheist, God's healing grace, as finally released me from the hurt, and disappointment of those early years. I am now functioning more healtily, and when I find myself tearing myself down,he is there to comfort me, and to remind me that I am special, and that I have been created as a unique individual to heed his calling to serve HIM. I am reminded that no matter who this world tears at my sole, that HIS grace is sufficient. That HIS grace can act as a bandage to allow me to heal.
Praise Him.
Monday, February 23, 2009
So it begins...
I have thought often about starting this blog thing. Tonight I have.
I am in the act of pruning my life. I am getting rid of dead branches, so I may better cultivate new growth. My prayer is that I will be effective. God let me be wish in my choices. Let me see where the dead branches are. And how to grow the areas of my life that I need too.
I am in the act of pruning my life. I am getting rid of dead branches, so I may better cultivate new growth. My prayer is that I will be effective. God let me be wish in my choices. Let me see where the dead branches are. And how to grow the areas of my life that I need too.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)